Never, Ever, Ever

Anyone who trusts in {God} will never be disappointed.
Romans 10:11
***

Never. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever be disappointed. Doesn't that mean now, too? Not just in eternity, but now, here, today, this moment. As I went to bed in tears last night, and woke up to the same tears this morning, I looked up some verses on worship as I was having a little trouble by myself trying to conjure up worship. I "accidentally" stumbled upon Romans 10:11 and was quickly convicted. Because, you see, I have been feeling disappointed.

Disappointed that my son is dead. Disappointed in God's sovereignty at the core when I am honest with myself. Have my reactions not been screaming that lately, along with my polite heart? Deep, deep down I hate this. The struggle continues to hold God's word above everything in my life. To hold on to His goodness, His truth, His plans, and His wisdom. But lately I have felt defeated, and the worst part, I have been giving in to it. Rob's reaction was the simple question: "Are you fighting?" Head hung low, "No." I have been responding instead. Sulking. Sinking. I forget what the fight is about sometimes.

I praise God for creating His foundation in me before Trent's accident rather than through it. The promises get jumbled. The hopes forgotten under the exhaustion of grief. It doesn't take much to tip the scales. It is so easy to look to today, here, now, to be the answer. God does come here and now, but eternity is where He said it would all be fulfilled. Stand firm. Let the waves crash. Let the attacks come. I hold my head up high as I only have one to give an account to. I hold on tighter to His hand. He has assured me that my salvation is secure in Him alone. In Jesus alone.

I long to be found faithful when I do see Him face to face. Faithful to have trusted Him, even in this. Never disappointed. Knowing that God causes all things to work for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purposes. Knowing that He who began a good work in me will finish it. Knowing that He is coming soon, and His reward is with Him. Just hold on, oh me of little faith. I do believe Lord, help me overcome my disbelief.

***
Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.
Romans 10:13