An hour and a half in bed, refusing to be real. Too lazy to get my bum down on my knees to bow before my Creator, and instead settling for prayers full of apathy. Tears cried into my coffee cup until it is too cold to drink. Repentance and the first two chapters of Hebrews later, plus several cross references, before the peace settles.
Jesus, the One I have never seen with my eyes
yet my soul has never not known, the radiance of God's glory, the Maker of the
heavens. The Savior, who was made a little lower than the angels for a time
until He would be crowned with glory and everything would be put under his feet,
was perfected by suffering under the hand of his Father, that He might become
the perfect atonement for sinful man.
I am not good at enduring. Perseverance does not
thrill me. Running, controlling, knowing now, hurry up would be better.
Scripture puts my unspoken, scattered, and pain-filled emotions into
perspective.
“Because He himself suffered when he was
tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.” Hebrews
2:18
The overflowing of honesty spills out when I
read between the lines: I suffer when I am tempted to be held in bondage by
others' approval and allow them control over me, rather than walking in God's
ways. The cords of that bondage are strong in a current situation. Chokingly
strong. Maybe they choke because they reveal my hard heart; maybe it's not
choking but gagging over sin that I don't want revealed. Or maybe it is a
blaring warning sign that I can't clearly decipher through the masquerading
words of truth.
“Therefore, holy brothers, who share in the
heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, the apostle and high priest whom
we confess.” Hebrews 3:1
My eyes have not been fixed on Jesus lately in
this situation, I have instead let them stray. I have chosen to wallow in the
pain of the seen, rather than looking to the High Priest whom I
confess.
“{Jesus} was faithful to the one who
appointed him.” Hebrews 3:2a
What did Jesus do in His suffering? He was
faithful to the Father, the very one who found it fitting to allow His
suffering. For the greater glory, for the joy of being seated at the right hand
of the Majesty in heaven, for the throne that would be ruled with a scepter of
righteousness and could only be conquered through the death of a perfect
sacrifice, to ransom His own, to glorify His Father, He focused his eyes on
eternity.
“I will put my trust in Him.” Hebrews
2:13b/Isaiah 8:17
Jesus put His trust in God. What a simple
concept. To merely trust Jesus until I see Him face to face. To endure what He
calls me to endure. To do it willingly as I attempt to train my heart to do the
same and look forward to that glory. To fall on grace alone, accepting the
proficiency of the solitary power of the Holy Spirit, and continuing to
disregard any of my attempts of accomplishing His finished work of salvation on
my own. To praise God for failure, so that mercy can be realized.
