April 9, 2011
Grief is a balancing act. All those articles and books don't even come close to describing it. Reading through the pages or paragraphs that talk about the 5 steps, or the 7 steps, or the 12 steps don't leave much room for the days you can't figure out which step you are on or if there is even a step for where you are. Some days just staying on top is too much. Which step is it that you just want your son back but you know above all else that God has something better planned and one day He will make it right but today you just can't seem to remember that for all your worth? 
Grief is a balancing act. All those articles and books don't even come close to describing it. Reading through the pages or paragraphs that talk about the 5 steps, or the 7 steps, or the 12 steps don't leave much room for the days you can't figure out which step you are on or if there is even a step for where you are. Some days just staying on top is too much. Which step is it that you just want your son back but you know above all else that God has something better planned and one day He will make it right but today you just can't seem to remember that for all your worth? Staying on top is so hard some days. I just want to hold Trent again, and see his smile, and hear his voice this side of eternity. I want to know where he is, what he is doing, all the things he is experiencing. I want to trust God to wait. I want His reminders again. I want to quit crying. I want to remember that God's ways are not my ways and that they really are better. I want to remember that God had this all ordained and one day I won't remember how much it cost and how much it hurts.
As I am right where God wants me I want to rejoice in the work He is doing through this. Through the tears and the pain and the hurt. Let the tears flow because my heavenly Father is bottling them up, crying with me. Let my heart break, for He holds it in His hands. Did He not give up His own son? Has he asked me any more? Not more, but less. I want to remember that I am in the palm of His hand. There are no "if's" or accidents in God's plans.
I want the rejoicing again God. I want the flood of trust again God. I want the peace again God. I want my eyes on the cross again God.
Let me quit trying to figure this out, God, and just be where you have me today. Today You are faithful. Today You are sufficient. Today You love me and have plans for my good. Today is enough. You are enough God.
