Up, down, up, down, up, down. Good grief. I can't stop this roller coaster, so I just hold on. Today I'm up. Catching my breath for the next plunge down again, but enjoying the mountain top experience for now. I cling to God's grace. I beg Him to continue sending it. I praise Him when I feel it, and I try to remember that's what this is.
I have been having what is probably anxiety attacks lately. Breathe in, breathe out. Stop the brain and emotions that continue to run away, and turn back to Scripture. "[I] live by faith and not by sight. Therefore [I] do not lose heart. Though outwardly [I am] wasting away, yet inwardly [I am] being renewed day by day. For [my] light and momentary troubles are achieving for [me] an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So [I] fix [my] eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. And [I . . . am] being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. Therefore, since [I] have such a hope, [I am] very bold. I tell you, now is the time of God's favor, now is the day of salvation." ( From 2 Corinthians this morning.)
I have realized God's grace on a deeper level lately in the fact that He has removed any expectations of looking to others for peace and comfort through this, but rather He has turned me to Him alone. "But this has happened that [I] might not rely on [myself] but on God, who raises the dead." (2 Corinthians 1:9) He has been drawing me into a quiet time with Him so that He can reveal Himself greater than I have ever known Him to be. I think of Jesus' time in the wilderness . . . I long to go hide in the wilderness just to be alone with God.
I have also been trying to comprehend the mercies and blessings of God that are revealed through suffering. Over and over I have praised God for waking me up spiritually. My reality is that I will never again know how it feels to not have a child who died. Any supposed trust or hope that I ever had in this life has been destroyed. My eyes have been fixed on eternity. "So from now on [I] regard no one from a worldly point of view." (2 Corinthians 5:16)
Rather than seeing you, I see your eternity. I wonder where you are with Christ. I beg God continuously for the salvation of my children. I pray for Him to keep my husband strong. I pray for the salvation of those who email or call or stop over just to visit. I pray for the guy sitting at his picnic table as I drive by, wondering if he knows where he's going when he dies. My heart is fixed on heaven, rather than here on this earth.
I raise my hands and praise God that Trent is in heaven. I see the sun beaming through my bedroom window and think of the verse that says God's glory rises like the morning sun. I feel it rising in my soul; one day I will see it first hand. One day I will see my son again face to face.