May 2, 2011
Grief never stops. Sometimes I just wish I could shut it off for a while and go have a coffee break. Go back just for a bit to what life used to be like. Other times I realize I have just gone five minutes without thinking about Trent and then feel guilty that I should be thinking about him. Sometimes I wonder if he really knew how much I loved him. If I remembered to tell him how much I loved him the night before the accident. Why I didn't kiss him goodbye before I left that morning. I wonder why it had to be this way. I wonder how I will go on every day missing him so bad. Why I ever took one little thing for granted. Why I ever yelled so much or insisted his school always had to be done to perfection. Sometimes I wonder what I will do when I finally wear out all of his socks and have to buy new ones. Sometimes I can't recall his voice. Or his giggle. Or where he sat at the dinner table. Or what his favorite dessert was. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. Nearly every night I cry myself to sleep. I don't want to enjoy life without him. Sometimes I realize this isn't just a nightmare.
Some days I want to be free from it. I don't want it to be my son who died. Sometimes I realize that just because one child died does not exempt me from any other children dying. Some days I fully trust God for that and others, well, other days I hold them closer. Some days I can't see past this world. I feel the shackles of the bondage of sin that hold me so tight here. I long to see heaven with my own eyes. I long for Trent. I long to hold on. To wait patiently. I long to quit crying. I long for the peace and trust again. I long to be held by my Heavenly Father who said He will wipe away every tear...... some day.