Last Night

I went to call Trent to come and eat pizza last night.

It has been nearly four months and my mind still thinks he's here. I haven't intentionally looked for him since he died. Even on the way to the hospital the night of the accident I mentally forced myself to only count four heads instead of five. But now.....

My mind goes back and forth between wondering if he ever was here and a part of my life, like an imaginary child or something. My mind can't grasp the reality some days. It is rationalizing his absence.But my soul knows. This mother's soul knows. The ache is because he is my son and he is not here. The joy is because he is with his savior. The two collide. The ache and the joy cannot intermix yet. One constantly demands to rise to the top.

I have determined to not get out of bed until I can praise God that Trent is in heaven. Some mornings I stay in bed longer, waiting for the real praise to come from my heart. Sorting this world and that world. Recalling scripture. Remembering how good God is. Remembering that He is sovereign. Remembering how much I long to be in heaven, too.

I look for the good works that God had prepared for me to do as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep at the end of the day. I wonder how the little things I can see could make eternal differences. I fight to live for my children still here. I fight to do good works for them. I pray for their salvation. I fight hiding in work to avoid feeling and grieving and loving and hurting.

I cry with my husband. Do you know how hard that is to do? To cry for your son together? He whispers God's promises to me and makes me cry again. I see God moving in Him and can see some of those good works first hand before my eyes.

I long for the day it will all be made right.

Some Promises to Ponder

Shout for joy, O heaven; rejoice, O earth; burst into song, O mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

For I am honored in the eyes of the Lord and my God has been my strength.

See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake, for my own sake, I do this. How can I let myself be defamed? I will not yield my glory to another.

I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.

Before I was born the Lord called me; from my birth he has made mention of my name.

In the shadow of his hand he hid me.

See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.

I, even I, am he who comforts you.

But my salvation will last forever, my righteousness will never fail.

~~~~~~~

From Isaiah 48-50 NIV this morning.
God's word never fails to encourage. His promises are enough.

Not of This World

But the Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in Him.
~ Psalm 32:10b ~

It's been a tough morning. Actually, a tough night preceded it. An emotional weekend filled with emotionally exhausting events. And to top it off I find when I am bogged down by emotional junk I work harder physically. The tears started late last night and again when I woke up. Lamenting brought on my missing Trent, but going deeper it revealed sins that needed to be repented of and hurts that needed to be drawn out and confessed to my Heavenly Father. Hurts of this world and the pain that is inflicted in it.

I needed to detox of my expectations of being fulfilled and satisfied here and lay my soul bare before my Creator. Rip the scab covering of coping and stuffing off and feel the raw oozing pain of hurt. And it hurts. Until Jesus comes back it will hurt. Until I am sanctified through and through it will hurt.

I worry more when I am content in this world than when I am struggling. Contentment means I am at a standstill. Contentment means I have gotten lazy. Contentment means I am not searching out the greater things of Christ and that there is no growth. God does give us breaks, but He grows His children. He pry's our hands off of this world and it hurts because we hold on so tightly and refuse to let go. We long for what we know instead of what He has for us~ greater things than this world could ever offer.

This enemy land with a prince masquerading in light lulls us into being comfortable. When Kingdom work gets a little too intense the enemy attacks harder. Wonder what I'm talking about? Try sharing the gospel with somebody today and see if you aren't attacked. Try being a light in a dark environment and see if Satan doesn't want to put it out. I am always blindsided afterward by the attacks. I should come to expect them by now. After my high I think again that I am infallible. I forget the impact that could be made if a young dad would be saved, leading his girlfriend and children along with him and changing his family and his world around him.

May I fight all the harder. May I endure the battle. God let me willingly lay down my life again and again for your Kingdom and your Glory. Don't let me hide on my little goat farm and not care. Don't let me become apathetic again about You. People are perishing in front of my eyes, and I wonder what's for supper. Make my trust in you be so great that I am willing to endure painful things that you may shine brighter in me. Lord, let your Kingdom come. Shake the gates of Hell, Christian sister and brother. Get off your recliners and fight. Dear Lord, let me get off my recliner and fight.

Some Days

Some days..........
I don't want to be the mother who's son died.
Some days........
I am afraid the reality will sink in and I will go absolutely crazy and will never recover.
Some days...... for a few moments......
I forget the promises and feel myself sinking fast.

I Took A Walk

I took a walk the second morning of camp. I walked up to the climbing tower where three months ago I released my son's ashes. I went alone. I just needed to be with God and cry and face it. I thought of when Trent was little and climbed that tower fearlessly for the first time. I thought of my own climb up that rock wall years ago. I thought about the joy of reaching the top and the fear and the thrill of jumping off. I thought about climbing the inside stairs three months ago. I thought about the peace and the joy. I thought about his ashes flying wherever God spread them. I thought about the rest of my life without him. Then I thought about the God who said I only have to live one day at a time. Then I cried some more. I didn't fight the tears. I didn't stuff anything. I felt the pain. I let the tears flow. Just me and God facing that tower. Then I walked back the long way to chapel where a God sent pastor was preaching a sermon about Joseph who learned to understand, just like I am learning, that God ordains all things for our good and His glory. Even the pits and the prisons and the deaths of those we love. And a friend cried with me, and laughed with me, and we had our own sermon in the midst of his. And God was there. And I did it. I faced it and I reached the top victoriously. And Trent is still in heaven.

I Tremble at His Word

I feel like the voice of doom every time I sit down to write these days. I hop around other blogs and enjoy reading about other farm wives and their happenings, or catch the titles of the latest breaking Yahoo news of who's wearing what or how many calories are in the newest chocolate dessert, and then here I am pondering eternity and salvation and death and grief again. The words that I read in scripture this morning cry out "You women who are so complacent, rise up and listen to me; you daughters who feel secure, hear what I have to say! ..... In little more than a year you who feel secure will tremble; the grape harvest will fail, and the harvest of fruit will not come. Tremble, you complacent women; shudder, you daughters who feel secure! ..... yes, mourn for all houses of merriment and for this city of revelry." Isaiah 32.

I look back and wonder what I would have thought reading that passage a year ago. I recall reading the words before, but I am pretty sure that I skimmed over them. Four months ago I would have probably skimmed over them even if somebody had warned me. Three months later, I am trembling. I am counting what really matters. I am listening closer to God. I shudder. I only feel secure knowing that I am in the palm of my Heavenly Father's hand, knowing that He is in charge. I take every word of Scripture to mean so much more. I spend more time reading my Bible and praying than ever before~ looking for the promises, counting the days until He fulfills them, waiting impatiently for my Savior.

I used to feel secure. I now feel the weight of this sinful world. I mourn for those who find their joy and merriment here. I try to balance the joy and the desires of this world with the contrast of seeking the heavenly kingdom. So much of my time and energy and money have been invested here. What will any of this matter? What will I take with me? How much of it will last for eternity? What will be considered jewels and what will be considered hay and stubble in eternity? If I drink milk from my very own goats and eat farm fresh eggs and organic vegetables will God really care? If I ignore Him and chase the world will He care? If I refuse to obey Him or to train up my children in Him won't there be lasting consequences?

With all that is in me I cling to God. When His statutes are blasphemed or ridiculed I hurt. I hurt for Him, but also for the ones who would dare to treat Him with contempt, the ones who are blind and will one day see that He wasn't kidding. I shudder at my own sinfulness. How long, oh Lord, how long will you continue to put up with us?

Here We Go

In His grace, God has brought me back again to Habakkuk to gently redirect me and point out my own sinfulness. How sweet He is with His children, yet never yielding His own glory or sovereignty. How loving He is to hold us in His arms while we hurt, but then show us a bit of His splendor when the tears have been wiped away and our hearts are ready to hear.

"Of what value is an idol, since a man has carved it? Or an image that teaches lies? For he who makes it trusts in his own creation; he makes idols that cannot speak" Habakkuk 2:18 What an idol I have started to create to replace the God of the Bible. My idol doesn't take children to heaven at age twelve. My idol just might not have eternity planned out from beginning to end, including February 18, 2011. My idol just might not understand a mothers breaking heart. My idol wouldn't make their children hurt to pry their hands off of this world and turn their deceiving hearts to needing no other earthly thing, replacing it with their only need being God Himself. My idol needed to be smashed before I carved any more details into it.

"Has not the Lord Almighty determined...." Habakkuk 2:13 Has not the Lord Almighty determined the ways of salvation? Has not the Lord Almighty determined how His glory will be revealed in the most magnanimous ways? Has not the Lord Almighty determined He would answer my prayers and make Trent dwell in heaven for eternity? Has not the Lord Almighty determined that He would prove Himself faithful beyond what I could comprehend without this? Has not the Lord Almighty determined the ways and the end and the depth of this pain and grief, only to prove Himself more faithful? Has not the Lord Almighty declared that this life is a mist, even mine? Has not the Lord Almighty used this as a wake up call for not only me, but so many others for salvation, that in eternity I will praise Him all the more?

"But the righteous will live by his faith...." Habakkuk 2:4b Will I live by my faith? Faith in what? My own ideas and idol of this God of the universe, or the real God who I only know through my Bible? My faith is so small. My mind so quickly forgets His promises. My heart is so easily swayed by the pain. How gracious of God to be the one who is faithful.

"For the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the Lord, as the waters cover the sea." Habakkuk 2:14 But the earth is not yet filled with the knowledge of the glory of the Lord. We still live in enemy territory. The deceit is everywhere~ it trickles into even the believers heart and makes us lose hope. We live short minded and get discouraged. I forget the end. I only know how to live in the now. But one day, one day, the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the Lord. One day I will live eternally with my Savior. How I long to be found living faithfully until that day comes. How I long to be trusting and serving until it comes, rather than crying in my bed. How I long to walk it hand in hand with Jesus.

"But the Lord is in His holy temple; let all the earth be silent before Him." Habakkuk 2:20 God knows what He's doing. How I pray for Him to let me trust Him in that. I try to envision Him sitting on His holy throne, His robes filling the courts, the multitude of angels and witnesses, with Jesus on His right side, with Trent before Him, face to face, knowing what I cannot imagine, longing to see for myself. The Lord is in His holy temple and He does know what He's doing. One day I will too. For today I just trust.

"His splendor was like the sunrise; rays flashed from His hand, where His power was hidden." Habakkuk 3:4 "His ways are eternal." Habakkuk 3:6b Splendor that I cannot even imagine. Power that I cannot even imagine. Eternity that I cannot even imagine. I bow, humbled, before this amazing God who loves even me.

"For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told" Habakkuk 1:5b Again, I am humbled to think of how I doubt God's sovereignty. How can I believe what I cannot see? How can I believe when the waves of pain threaten to overtake? Because God said so. I hold on to my life preserver. One day, one day....

"The Sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to go on the heights." Habakkuk 3:19 Praise your name Lord Jesus.

I Don't Want To

Tomorrow is camp. The first camp without Trent. I don't want to go without him. I don't want another first. I don't want to smile all weekend and I don't want to cry all weekend. I don't want it to be the day before camp without him and have to trust God for this too. I don't want to pack and not pack his clothes. I feel like just packing him a bag anyway because then it's not the first, somehow part of him will be there with us. I don't want to see the zip line. I don't want to be a chicken and not jump off like I said I wanted to three months ago. I don't want it to be three months without him. I don't want to wait the rest of my life to see him again. I don't want to go into the dining hall and not see him first in line. I don't want to sit in chapel and not see his ken-doll locks in the first row. I just want to go back to bed and stay there until I die. I don't want to be strong and I don't want to be weak. I don't want to do this without him. It just hurts. There is no cure for missing somebody, not even time. Do I quit missing my son in three months, three years, thirty years? How do I live for thirty more years missing him? Yes, I trust God, yes I know this is for a purpose, yes I know Trent is in heaven, but I still miss him. Help me Lord, I can't do this today.

I Found These

God continues to allow us to laugh. What a gift in itself. Through the heartache and the pain God continues to sprinkle in much joy. I was in the classroom hanging up a timeline picture the other day when I happened to look over at Trent's desk. His books and belongings were still piled on top of it, but one tablet had fallen to the floor. It was his spelling tablet. I had intended to just put it back on the desk, but I longed for a bit of him so I opened it up to see his twelve-year-old-boy handwriting, expecting pages full of word lists. There on the first page was an essay he had written and as I continued to turn the pages more essays were mixed in amongst the spellings lists and tests. To think of the days, just months ago, that he wrote those honest, silly words about his bad attitude brought us all near to tears from laughing so hard. This boy, who hardly wrote anything, had left us a bit of himself for such a time as this. How I miss him and long to hear his laughter again.

How Are You Doing?

How are you doing? I am beginning to dislike that question more and more. Do you mean how am I right now? How was I twenty minutes ago? Do you really care how I am or are you just asking to be polite? Do you really want to know or should I just smile?

Do you know how I am this morning? The coffee pot broke. Ka-put. It's an old time percolator and it may have perked it's last perk. Some days lately it makes black coffee, and some days it makes yellow water. I dumped the first pot today and tried again and got the same yellow water. That's how I am today. I've cried. I've sought God. I've washed laundry. Now I sort. Sort thoughts and theology and plans for the day. Fight the tears again and trust God again. Look away from where Trent always sat on the couch, then look back. Consider, again, seriously looking for an antique trunk to finish packing away the rest of his earthly belongings, then decide I really don't want them put away. I don't want him forgotten in our daily lives yet. I want the reminders surrounding me. I take another drink of my yellow sugar water and consider visiting Russell for some real black coffee. But I need to cry by myself first.

Scripture puts things into perspective. Paul reminds me that God really does know what He is doing, that the most important thing is that the gospel goes forth, that to die is gain~ even for your son, that to go on living in this body means fruitful labor, that God who began this good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. So I commit myself again to wait. I will strive to do everything without complaining, allowing God to work in me, trusting that as I hold on to and hold out the word of life that God will make it shine like the stars in the universe.

I will try to find joy in being poured out like a drink offering for God's glory, forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I will press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus because I know that my citizenship is in heaven, not on this earth, and I eagerly await my Savior from there. Again, I will rejoice because I know that my Savior is near and that He will guard my heart and my mind and will meet all my needs according to His glorious riches. Armed with that knowledge I will face the day, the kids, the schooling, the chores, the critters and the coffee pot for round number three. Lord willing.

The Cry of My Heart

I should change my name to Anna, and maybe I'll add Simeon as a middle name or a last name. I might just move into the temple, too, and spend all my time fasting and praying, worshiping God night and day. All the more the only thing I find myself doing is looking for the Lord's return, longing for that trumpet call, waiting and worshiping my God. My hands and my body are moving, they continue to find work to do to keep them busy, but my heart and my mind are constantly with God. How long, oh Lord, how long? How long do I have to keep hurting? How long until my Savior comes, bringing His rewards with Him? When will I see your righteousness and your glory for myself? I call upon you, Lord, and will give you no rest until I see you. My heart cries out for you in my distress, save me, in your love and mercy redeem me, lift me up and carry me. I take delight in you, oh Lord, I rejoice in you. How long? How long, oh Lord? I am tired of this world. I am tired of sin. I am tired of pain. I am tired of being prim and proper rather than screaming the insanity from the rooftops. I am tired of faking it. I am tired of pretending. I don't fool you, God, for you know my real heart. In you I am who I am, who you made me, there is no pretending, only joy and freedom. Let me be all the more in you. Use my tears, dear Lord, let them be turned into a crown of splendor in your hands, a royal diadem in the hand of my God. Let your righteousness and your glory be seen through them. Let me see your righteousness and your glory through them. Let me see past the hurt and the pain and see you.... see your hand and your plan and your end results. Hold me in your arms, in the palm of your hand. Just love me, Lord. I can't figure out the theology and the rights and the wrongs of it all today God. I just need you.

Riding the Waves

Sad. Happy. Crying. Exhaustion. Joy. Remembering. Forgetting. Rejoicing. Anticipating. Holding On. Struggling. Missing. Longing. Praying. Memorizing. Trusting. Waiting. Processing. Laughing. Loving. Just Living. Then I get out of bed and make the coffee.

Refreshing Words

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined, then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning the shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Our weakness {will be} turned to strength. God has said "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you."

Encouragement from Hebrews 11-13, NIV, this morning.

Stark~Raving Crazy

There is this part of grief that I am not sure if anybody has coined a term for yet. I call it stark-raving crazy. Doubt that one will make the books, but I think I should get as much of a say as anybody else who's never been in my shoes of grief before, so that's my term for it. It's the days that you want to say "Okay God, enough, I trust you, let me wake up now." The days that you just want to go pull your son out of the closet and say "April fools! HAHAHAHA! Fooled you all!" The days that you just want somebody to commit you to the insane asylum so you can get an IV hooked up in several different veins with lots of good drugs and go to some happy place from three months ago. Those days usually come after a couple of good days. All of a sudden it hits you after a time of total bliss and contentment and joy and smiling and wondering what in the world could you have ever been so sad about because your son is in HEAVEN after all! Then BAM! How could I be happy that my son is dead? Oh yeah, that's right God, this is the pit you were talking about when my mind takes over and my spirit forgets what your word says. Those guilty feelings that I was having for being happy for your peace always bring me right back to this same miry, nasty, deep, painful pit. Throw that rope down here, will ya? I wanna go back to happy. I wanna be done now. I don't want my son to be dead anymore God.

It Is Well

Along with the sunshine God has brought joy again to my heart! At least with the morning coffee and time in His word. Afternoons get hard, nights usually harder, and I am ignoring the fact that tomorrow is the 18th. But this morning~ JOY! And I'm taking it! Joy for a God who saves! Joy for a son in heaven! Joy that I can trust God until I get there!

Here's a little spiritual twist that came up in the garden yesterday while Alexis and I were planting peas. Somehow, as we were talking about Trent, the conversation turned to the subject of coveting. Coveting, in a grande form, of God's plan for Trent's life. As we mourn and weep for ourselves it is so easy to turn that sorrow into a reason to not live the lives that God gave us and to quit seeking the good works that He prepared for us to do while we are here.

Now I don't mean to dismiss mourning, not at all, but rather to point out just a glimpse of the depth of misunderstanding that we as sinful human creatures have of this almighty God and how little we really know or trust Him. This was God's plan for Trent's life, just as God plans other things for other peoples lives that He will be glorified in it.

In some way my brain is trying to wrap itself around the thought to figure out Trent's complete joy in being in heaven along with finding my own joy here (the parallel of Trent being where he is and me being where I am/heaven's joy versus earth's joy) and somehow equaling out to God's master plan throughout it all. If I've lost you in my brain tracking, don't worry, I haven't quite figured it out yet either. But somehow, in God's master plan, it is good for Trent to be in heaven while we are all still here...........

I loved these verses from Psalm 126 this morning:

Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him. The Lord has done great things for us, we are filled with joy!

Yes, He has and Yes, we are!

I Wish, I Wish, I Wish

My brain feels fried. I feel it longing to go numb and I fear numb more than I fear pain. I feel like I am on overdrive, stuck in four wheel mode, working it too hard, and it is getting tougher to decipher things clearly lately. I force myself to write in the hopes of dislodging it and sorting a few things out. To lay the words on paper, or in cyberspace, to get them out of my head. To leave them here to come back to if ever need be, even for no other reason than a way to remind myself of the fingerprints of God throughout this journey of Trent's death. To free my brain and lay my burdens down at the foot of the cross. The weight lessens with every word that is released.

I miss the first days after Trent died. I miss the absolute assurance of God's promises. The freshness of them and the great hope in them. Somewhere along the line in the past near three months the cares of this world have snuck in. My flesh and my desires have overruled. My longings have become greater than the word of God. My heart has deceived me yet again. "Set me free from my prison, Lord, that I may praise your name" I cry as the psalmist cries. Let the praise be again from my lips, from my heart, from my whole being.

But I replace praise with wishing. Wishing Trent would just come down those steps again this morning. Wishing it really was his voice that I heard while I was digging in the freezer in the garage. Wishing he could see the barn work that we dreamed about. Wishing I could care that the garden is almost planted. Wishing that he could be the one trapping that pesky gopher in the yard instead of waiting for Rob to do it. Wishing I could feel him in my arms again. Wishing I would hold my other children tighter rather than being a zombie mother. Wishing I wouldn't fight with my husband when I really just want to cry with him and have him hold me while I do. Wishing I could be brave enough to just let the tears flow when they need to flow. Wishing I would draw near to God again and really trust His sovereignty and be content to patiently wait.

Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord; O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning. O Terri, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. God did redeem Trent from all of his sins and has only done what pleases Him and answered all my prayers for my son's salvation in doing it.

(My rendition of Psalm 130 this morning.)

Dinner Preparation Conversation

Micah: "Mom, do you think about Trent alot?"
Me: "Yep."

Micah: "Do you think about him all the time?"
Me: "Yep."

Micah: "Do you miss him all the time?"
Me: "Yep."
Micah: "Me too."

My Victory Garden

I planted a little victory garden ~ a victory over death garden. As painstaking as it was to stand at the seed display at Farm and Fleet a couple of weeks ago and pick out nearly every blue flower they carried, I did it. Trent's favorite color was blue. Not that blue flowers will bring him back, but blue flowers will remind me over and over again of the victory that we will one day have in Christ. Those blooms will remind me that death has no victory; that separation by death is only for a short while. They will remind me of God's beauty that is continuously poured out on His children. They will remind me that life goes on and can be beautiful, even in pain. They will remind me of Trent and how much I love him.

Hosea 7:14

"They do not cry out to me from their hearts but wail upon their beds." Hosea 7:14a

Lately I have been doing more wailing upon my bed than crying out to God from my heart. It hasn't gotten me anywhere, other than running away from God and losing sight of His perspective. When I can't write I know I'm not dealing with things and only find that stuffing doesn't help either. So I write~ short, choppy, no elegance, ugly, pain, sorrow, blunt, hard, did I say ugly already. I like things pretty, I like things comfy and antiquey, a few scuff marks are cute and add character. But raw is where the scuff marks begin. Right now I feel raw. Pure blood and gore and ooze. Ripped wide open raw, and it hurts to the depths of my soul. Pain with no balm other than time. A good friend encouraged me by reminding me that missing my son is not distrusting God. So I crawl into the lap of my Heavenly Father and cry again. I go back to His word and find strength again. And then I go back to my bed and wail upon it again. I acknowledge God who has ordained all of this, even the hurt. I praise Him that Trent is with him. Then I cry for my own pain of missing my son. For a world where there is sin. For the sorrow involved. And then He tells me It Is Okay~ okay to hurt, okay to laugh, okay to cry, okay to dance. So I go on again hurting, laughing, crying, waiting, healing, missing.

Silence

Sorry for the silence lately friends~ I have been doing quite a bit of personal writing and guess I just wrote myself out. I find writing can be exhausting and yet so healing at the same time. Sometimes it takes more effort to sit at a computer desk and pour out your heart than to do twelve hours of physical work. I tried the physical work route yesterday and found that my brain still wasn't done processing a bunch of things ~ guess I can't run, hide, or work my way away around the pain of missing my son. Blah! I'm tired of making people cry I guess, and also wanted a break from making myself cry. I've been writing a lot about God's work in my life and thought I was cried out, but I'm not. On to something else.....

Farm life has been keeping us busy with lots of new critters and spring projects that beckon to be finished. Posts and pictures to come soon, Lord willing. Over the weekend Rob took Alexis and Grace with some friends and their youth group down to a John Piper conference in the twin cities (which was amazing I hear), but {I'm gonna cry again} it was so bittersweet because last year Trent was with, another first. But I know where he is, and the God he is with, which makes this tolerable.

I made it through Mother's Day~ thanks for the sweet thoughts and the encouragement that day all you special ladies who were thinking of me. I am not too big on dates and holidays, but it was still the first. Our tradition for the last couple of years has been to work a little more on the horse arena and this was the year that I was hoping to get the entrance sign hung that was last years mother's day gift. I didn't even have the gumption to ask, so settled instead for a nice card, hugging my children and movie night on the couch.The sun is shining and the day beckons, along with the school lessons and crying goats. Off to see if there's one more cup of coffee first..........

Psalm 119:28 My soul is weary with sorrow~ strengthen me according to your Word.

Psalm 119:175 Let me live that I may praise you!