Thursday, July 7, 2011

I ... I ... I

I dreamt about Trent last night. Since the accident I have been asking God for dreams of him. Others have shared their vivid dreams of him and I have been waiting. I actually even forgot that I wanted to dream about him. Sometimes we are surprised when we get the things we ask for. Pleasantly surprised.

We were out riding bike on the road in my dream, the kids and I, when Trent rode up on his orange bike. I told him he was supposed to be dead, and he said no I'm not Mom, I've just been at the hospital. He was just Trent. My Trent. So real, exactly like he was over 4 months ago. Would somebody please stop the nightmare so I can quit thinking that my son is dead? I want to go back to that dream.

I long to feel the enjoyment of life again. I long to be able to sit at a rodeo with my family and believe that something here can be satisfying. I long for that good ol' feeling of quiet summer evenings watching the fireflies without a care in the world. I long to smile and have it be from the inside. I long for lazy content mornings of just relishing in being alive. I long for picnics and horse rides and playing in the pond. I long to go past numb.

I want to walk in the grass and feel it beneath my feet. I want to love my children without fear. I want the joy of just being with them. Making cookies together instead of always working, working, working to stay busy and keep my mind shut off. I want to want to write again. I want to want to take pictures again. I want to want to dream again.

I feel like I am just living my life waiting to die. I don't mean that I am suicidal, I mean nothing in this world brings joy anymore. God alone is my joy and this world demands that I continue to live in it because supper has to be cooked and the mortgage paid. I want my kids to be able to live and enjoy their days while they are here. I don't want to steal their joy here by my pain, by not being here emotionally for them, for always crying over something else.

I don't want anymore firsts. I don't want to cry over cowboys or the national anthem or picking peas. I don't want to doubt. I don't want to remember. I don't want to forget. I don't want to worry if I am pleasing others by grieving right or wrong. I don't want to stuff this. I don't want to miss a single moment of what God has in store through this. I don't want to be of those who shrink back.

I want to be brave enough to cry when I need to cry and laugh when I need to laugh. I want to trust God. I want to hold on. I want to see Heaven. I want to really live, not just go through the motions, until I do see Heaven. I want to know where Trent is. I want to know what God is like. I want to see all that He has promised. I want to draw closer to Him. I want to be obedient. I want to gladly die to myself so that nothing is more important than the gospel going forth.

I just want to crawl into my Heavenly Father's lap and be held until this is all over. I want Him to wipe away the tears now. I want to wait patiently until it is His time.