Monday, July 18, 2011

A Little Numb

I realized the other day that maybe I have gone just a wee little bit numb in the midst of this grieving process. It dawned on me when child number four was sitting in the dentist's chair having his teeth cleaned and finally I heard the drills that usually make me cringe from my eye teeth to the tips of my toes. Somewhere around the third orthodontic referral was when reality started sinking in to push me out of my emotional hiding spot. Yes, we are looking at the potential of three kiddos with braces. All at one time. And I am sure all with one easy monthly payment, too.

I feel exhausted on every level~ emotional, spiritual, mental, physical. Thinking is hard work these days, and I have been doing too much of it. I could work all day in the barn or out in the garden, but brain work does me in lately. Sorry to all of you who have called with simple questions. Talking and deciding things is like rocket science as of late.

My thinking work has been working on the book. God sent this gifted editor {Stop over and say "Hi" to Sarah if you get a chance, and if you need any editing work done she is amazing} to help me out.

I feel like I am in a battle zone. I feel the weight of getting every single word right~ for my own sake, but more so for the representation of God and who He is. I feel the very weight of salvation with each word typed. I fear the condemnation for those who would read the words and still deny Christ. I see the faces that we have seen in the past five months who have ignored God's work, and then I hear the words of the changed lives of those precious souls who God has opened their ears through our story. As I worked late last night on revisions, the overwhelming feeling of the power of the words I was typing hung over me. It scared me. I feel the need to hurry up, and then I let myself hold back and be scared by failure, and finally I commit every word and every outcome again to God; this is His story, He has only given me the words to tell it.

I go to Scripture to be renewed. The life giving words wake me up. They give me hope yet again. They remind me of God's sovereign plans, of His kingdom to come, of how beautiful heaven must be, of where Trent is. He still "is". That's what baffles me. He is still Trent. He has only gone ahead of us and given us a greater desire to be where he is. But "where" is he? Where is heaven? What is heaven? What is it like to be in God's presence?

Lately the pain longs to overwhelm. The earthly side longs to take over. The broken body that I tend to think is immortal wants to consume. The tears threaten at any given moment over any little thing. How are you doing? some poor fellow asked me yesterday~ we both looked away as I fought the tears. He knows how I'm doing. He's doing the same way. He has seen too much tragedy this past year, too. He has lost 2 boys who were like nephews, grandsons, treasured children. He, too, is learning what it is to trust God.

The journey continues. I remind myself of my own words~ God knows what He is doing. He is trustworthy. I go to His Words where He tells me to believe, to rejoice, to look forward to the rewards He has in store for those who seek Him. I do believe, I am rejoicing, I am looking forward. I will strive to live today like it's my last. Like today might be the day that I see my Savior face to face. If it is, would somebody just send that book to the publisher, revisions or no revisions? Love you~ See you when you get there.