Thursday, April 7, 2011

Still Here

March 21, 2011 I wake up everyday and Trent is still in heaven. The various range of emotions go from elation to uncontrollable tears. I hate crying. I don't know why, I just have never been a crier and I don't know how to do it well. Maybe it is the loss of composure or my need for control. Maybe it is because of the facade of my own strength that I don't want revealed. The tears come easier now which "they" tell me is good. I should be crying "they" say. I make people uncomfortable if I don't cry. But I make myself uncomfortable if I do cry. Quit being such a people pleaser, Terri, and be where God has you today, right now. Trent is in heaven, I would not wish him back. But I see him everywhere. I miss him. I long for him. I ache to feel him in my arms. Somehow I have to learn how to live again. The things of this world have failed to bring any charm or joy. Only the things of God hold any hope. To hear the stories of changed lives already brings great joy. The many, many people we have been privileged to share the gospel with gives this a purpose. To think of Trent, free from the bondages of his sin, standing in awe of his savior, looking face to face with his creator makes me smile. This is not about me. But somehow "me" has to live here doing the good works that God has ordained until my day comes to go home.